The Weight of Stillness

I lean into the couch cushion  

and my chest tightens—  

rest feels like a betrayal,  

as if every second spent unmoving  

is a confession of guilt.

Because in my mind,  

resters are the idle,  

the unproductive,  

and unproductive is a scarlet letter  

stamped across my soul.

When I close my eyes,  

I hear a metronome of shoulds:  

You should be working.  

You should be improving.  

You should be doing anything  

but this—

this sacred, terrifying pause.

I confuse rest with laziness,  

and laziness with failure,  

and failure with unworthiness.  

Each syllable ticks like a bomb  

beneath my ribs.

I worry that if I rest,  

I’ll vanish—  

become invisible to my own ambition.  

I’ll look in the mirror and see  

a hollow where purpose once lived.

So I keep moving,  

laundry piles and email chains  

stacked like monuments to my fear,  

as if busy-ness can fill the hollows  

that shame dug into me.

But tonight,  

I admit it out loud to the therapist’s empty chair:  

I’m exhausted of proving I deserve a moment’s grace.  

I’m tired of believing rest is a luxury  

my mistakes don’t merit.

What if stillness isn’t a crime?  

What if my breath,  

steady and calm,  

is evidence of my survival  

not my surrender?

I am learning to lean into quiet—  

to let my skin remember softness,  

to let my heart believe in enoughness.  

Because rest doesn’t erase my worth,  

it reveals it,  

waiting quietly  

in moments I once feared.